Why this is not a Mommy Blog

2 02 2007

I have just finished reading We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver.  This is the first time in a long time that a new book has moved and compelled me.  I was riveted.  It makes you ask yourself some difficult but interesting questions about why we want to have children, a subject that is raw but particularly pertinent to me at the moment.  The narrator is Eva who, through a series of introspective letters to her estranged husband, takes a long hard look at their life together, and in particular, their respective relationships with their children.  We learn very early that her son Kevin is in prison after killing seven classmates, a cafeteria worker, and a teacher.  This puts what follows in a very scary but intriguing context. 

I have mentioned here that there are certain subjects that I shy away from because they are so personal and they involve other people.  Well one of these subjects is having children.  I have always known that I want to be a mum.  It is something I think I will enjoy, that I will be good at.  I think that it is natural to want to have children.  I cannot really explain it any more than that.  I have never seen why I need to.  When ricardo and I first got engaged, we talked about all the things you should talk about to make sure you are on the same page.  And we were.  I really could not believe my luck.  I had found a man not only willing to get married, but actively suggesting it.  I found a man who wanted kids.  We meshed so well together. 

Only things change.  At the point when having kids was no longer an abstract idea but a stark reality, doubts crept in.  So now I am left with an unwavering desire to procreate with no way of knowing when or if I will.  And it scares the crap out of both of us.  We are nowhere near the stage of sorting these things out and it is not something I find easy to discuss.  I wont ask for advice – I already know there is nothing that people can suggest to simply ‘fix’ this.  Instead, I will look forward to our week in Ireland (which starts tomorrow) and try to bury the fear of what will because of ‘us’ if we can’t get back on the same page.

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One response

7 02 2007
charlotteotter

Kevin is a brilliant book, if terrifying. I think if I hadn’t had my kids by the time I read, I might also have thought twice. The amazing thing is that Shriver is not a parent – the way she wrote about the contradictions of motherhood were stunningly spot-on.

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